How the universe told me to focus on me
We all have times where life gets a bit chaotic, our energy is off and we are trying to sift through the fog. June was definitely a month like that for me. I’m sure with everything happening in the world from still managing through a global pandemic to racial tension, I’m sure I’m not unique in these feelings. However, I did a pretty good job in protecting my energy and not consuming too much content around these topics, especially graphic videos. As an empath, it’s important for me to be mindful of what I see and hear because it can quickly impact my energy and emotions. Sifting through all of this, I still felt unsettled.
My therapist began to notice and call out how anxious and overwhelmed I seemed. She could hear it in my voice and see it in my body language. I was completely ungrounded. In a matter of two days, I had a conflict with a friend that left me pretty upset, car problems and was slammed with meetings at work. Trying to juggle these things and motherhood, honestly were just too much that week. On top of receiving messages about what was happening in the world and in our backyards. I’d ended up having a series of anxiety attacks that depleted me so badly that I ended up in the bed depressed for a few days. The energy it took for me to still show up to work each day (although virtually) and make myself say I’m fine was draining enough. I wasn’t fine.
I had my therapy appointment that week and I remember looking at myself on the computer screen sharing with her and seeing so much hurt. I literally had to unpack everything with her and took everything out of me but what she shared with me was so pivotal. I couldn’t figure out why this week? Why these series of events? Why did this upset me so and why couldn’t I pull myself out? I didn’t feel like the things were earth shattering but they were triggering me in a major way.
“You are literally grieving your life’s trauma. Not just what’s happening right now.” - my therapist.
That was so profound to me because it always felt so complicated and complex for me to share when friends or family ask me “What’s wrong?” What they’d hear is that someone ghosted me and stopped answering my calls but what they didn’t hear was that I feel abandoned and undervalued in almost every relationship I’ve had. What they’d hear is “my car is broken down and I have to pay over $2000 to fix it”. What they didn’t hear was that I’m so tired. I’m so tired of being my own shoulder to lean on, feeling alone and that I have to figure out everything myself. I’ve felt this way literally since a teenager.
So asking me “What’s wrong?” isn’t the simplest question and her putting these words to those feelings helped me so much. It gave it a name. Grief. Not just for what’s happening now but for what has ever happened and how they feel so connected to the trauma of now. So this gave myself permission to remember to be graceful in this grief and revisit the ways I know how to pull myself out of these deep emotional spaces. She asked me if I’d been outside for a walk or if I took time to do things that made myself feel good. The answer was no, although the thoughts came to mind.
I had a tarot reading with Kelli from Spell Sisters that week as well. Key themes that came up in this reading were to incorporate more and protect myself. Very interesting reveal was the idea of my passive self and active self being in battle with one another. One telling me to just rest, be kind and loving to myself but other telling me to go outside in nature, to write and be active in my self-care to re-ground myself.
“You have the tools. Just remember to use them.” - Kelli, Spell Sisters
That was such a key reminder and something that was presented in my therapy session as well. I think ultimately I was shown that I had focused so much on “what” was happening and being wrapped up in how to “fix” it but I really needed to accept what I couldn’t change and that time and focus down on my energy so that I wouldn’t lose myself in the commotion. I usually complete a meditation at the start of every month. So on July 1st during meditation, the words that rose were: your heart chakra still needs attention, retrain yourself, focus on discipline and consistency, and hold the difficult moments from June as lessons to move forward.
I’m so thankful for the reveals in both of these settings. It’s where my habit challenge was birthed from. I wasn’t well and needed to dedicate an extended period of time to focus on just that; to prioritize that.
How do you receive impactful messages in your life? How do you use those messages?