Why I Wish Everyone Would Stop Asking When I’m Having Kids
When you get married, a lot of people ask you, “When are you having kids?” That question comes time and time again. I eventually formed a response, “Whenever God sees fit or whenever God gives me one.” I hoped that would shut people up, but it was the usual suspects that would ask and even more people. Eventually after time goes by, people begin to ask “Do you want children?” or “Are you even trying?” It’s frustrating and insensitive. It’s very insensitive actually, because you never know what people are going through.
[bctt tweet="Don't consistently ask couples when they're having kids, because you never know their situation. " username="aishadherring"]
My husband and I have been married for over two years now and you can only imagine how many times that we’ve been asked these questions. I can think of at least 50-75 times this year alone (and that’s no exaggeration). Little did those individuals know, we wanted children not long after our wedding, but weren’t “actively” trying. Little did they know, I’d been off birth control nine months before my wedding, to give my body a head start and get the birth control out of my system by the time we wanted to try. Little did they know, my heart broke a bit every time they asked that question.
My sorority sisters would often play the “guess who’s next game”, especially when we knew one of our sisters had a baby on the way. With me being one of the first in my age group to get married, more often than not, people would say I’m up next. I’d play along, but then someone else constantly would come before me. Eventually I quit playing or wouldn’t respond, because this had become more difficult than we had expected. My gut told me something was wrong, but I couldn’t get it figured out.
I’ve spent the past two years switching doctors, being misdiagnosed and being treated for issues that had nothing to do with why I wasn’t pregnant. This was frustrating because although we didn’t feel rushed to have children, the fact that it hadn’t happened was a bit concerning. Being put off by doctors was even more frustrating. Many would tell me “oh you have time” or “you’re still young”. While that’s true, I rather know if something was wrong sooner than later. Many people would often insert their opinion when the kid’s conversation would come up. They’d say, “wait until you’re 30”, “you have time” or “you’re so young”. I hated it because I didn’t feel that it was anyone’s business and didn’t really want their opinion.
This summer everything changed. My husband and I went to a fertility doctor and were officially diagnosed with infertility. It was a relief to finally get a concrete explanation, but a sense of sadness that naturally comes with that diagnosis. However, we are still on a journey to become parents, it will just take a few extra steps. Tomorrow I have surgery to remove over 10 fibroids and endometriosis—both common causes of infertility and the pain I’ve been in for years.
This is obviously a personal topic and an emotional one; and many may wonder why I’m sharing this. I am a firm believer that God puts us on different journeys with various trials for multiple reasons including to overcome, learn a lesson and fulfill some purpose. There are so many women and men who struggle with infertility silently—and it’s sad and unnecessary. I hope that as I share this journey in multiple ways that I help someone else not feel alone in their journey and encourage couples who may be having difficulty getting pregnant to check it out. Because you are never “too young” and you don’t always have “plenty of time”.
[bctt tweet="Many women & men struggle with infertility silently and they shouldn't have to." username="aishadherring"]
Feel free to share your story or encouraging words below, and please keep me in your prayers for speedy recovery from my surgery.
Thanks for reading.